Where was Jeremy Clarkson when I needed him?

Even Rock God’s get the odd ‘mid life’ crisis to deal with…providing they are of the age to have a mid life crisis of course.

This particular insult has been heaped upon me by the individuals I call my family over the incident of ‘a new car’.

I have always had a hankering for a two seater sports car that has the capacity to go from nought to death in about three and half seconds.

This longing was first brought about by a teenage friend who had a Triumph Spitfire, and then compounded by my musical colleague Matt from Mudheads Monkey who had a Toyota MR2.

Please don’t be mislead by this gentle (slightly rotund) persona that I portray. I was brought up on motor bikes and I like speed, especially when I am dry and warm and I can crank the radio RIGHT up.

The current Rock God mode of transport is now, like its owner, showing the wear and tear signs of age and has a boot that leaks so badly that I have my own re-enactment of the Servern Bore taking place in my boot (trunk) on a daily basis.

The car is now so damp that I have ice on the inside of the windows and not on the outside where it is supposed to be.

With this in mind, I and ‘Mrs Rock God’ went for a little ‘look’ at some of the vehicles that might be available in my price range. And spurred on by wide reports that in light of the current ‘credit crunch’ dealers are practically ‘giving’ them away I was optimistic and enthusiastic.

Can I say right from the outset that the expression ‘practically giving them away’ is a steaming pile of poo….unless of course you feel that fifteen thousand quid is a snip. I however, who work for this countries fine health service, do not.

‘Giving it away’ in my estimation would constitute a fine and shiny new motor car given in exchange for a signed copy of my latest album and a bag of wine gums.

This however is not the case. The salesman require ‘mucho mulla’ in order to keep them in sharp suits and jangling bling and this one descended on myself and my wife with as much enthusiasm as a vulture from the Disney film ‘The Jungle Book’ with genuine promises to ‘be my friend’.

I knew it was a dead cause as I sat longingly behind the wheel of a Mazda MX 5 dreaming of the open road ‘poop poop’ and my wife went and made a beeline for a dramatically and painfully sensible people carrier type thing that had a terrifying air of ‘conservative family man’ about it.

My protestations of “What do I need something that big for” fell upon deaf and unsympathetic ears and the reply “what are you going to do with something as small as that”.

Now ignoring the obvious double entente of this remark, and before anybody else states the obvious, I defended my choice that I know longer required a vehicle that could transport ‘children’.

My wife is definitely not slow off of the remark retorted “Go on then, open the boot, where are you going to put your guitars then?”

Fearing the worse I nodded to the salesman to open said boot to reveal a space that would have been inadequate to transport your average sized lunch box let alone a couple of Takamine acoustic guitars.

As I desperately tried to find reasoned and acceptable ways to get around this problem, the salesman sadly shook his head as he witness the grumbling of yet another dream of the wide open road, top down, wind whipping through what is left of a greying head of hair.

I finally accepted my fate and that unlike Toad of Toad Hall, I would probably be better off with that flippin canary yellow cart and not the silver, slim line ego booster that I lusted after.

Does anybody know where I can buy horse feed… cheap!!